You might say I’m schizo, but so am I
I called a meeting tonight with the character I’ve been toying with.
I’m fascinated by other writers’ processes and decided you probably are, too, so I’m sharing the transcript. Here goes:
Okay, Bill, if that’s even your real name – tell me about yourself. Let’s start with the ego. What gives?
I’ll rephrase – why are you such an arrogant bastard?
That’s better. I am an arrogant bastard because other people are idiots.
Why do you say that?
Because just when I think my expectations can’t get any lower, I’m disappointed again. After 30 years of this, I figure I’m just the odd man out.
So, everybody but you is an idiot?
Mm… yeah. Everybody I know, yeah.
I know we just started, but I gotta go take a leak. You can wait if ya’ want.
Bill smirks, looks at me like I’m an idiot, and heads for the men’s room.
I wait… Bill takes a longish time out of disrespect for me. When he returns, he makes no attempt to hide his glance at my chest.
You really are an asshole, aren’t you?
You’re welcome to think so.
I think it’s a put-on.
You gonna drink that?
No, I don’t really like Jack and Coke. Thanks, though.
Bill takes the drink and drains half of it.
It’s two for one. I didn’t buy it for you.
So, back to work. Tell me, what are you passionate about?
I knew it. You want to have sex with me.
Not hardly. Are you gonna answer the question?
There was a question?
If you want to be in this screenplay, I have to get to know you. What are you passionate about?
The hell kind of question is that?
What do you like to do? What are you into, besides being a schmuck?
Oh yeah. You so want me. It’s sad, almost…
Are those real?
Know what? Forget it. No audience will ever care about you and I’m shopping for a protagonist, here. Sorry to waste both our time. I wonder if it’s too late to catch up with the reclusive megamillionaire…
Oh, him, huh? I hear he’s a real dick.
Can’t be any worse than you, Bill.
Pretty similar, actually… You might even say… identical.
What? What are you saying? You guys are twins?
No, brainiac. I’m him. He’s me. We’re the same guy.
Oh. You said “identical.” Not the “very same.” “Identical” implies two distinct yet perfectly similar—
Christ, and you wonder why I’m arrogant…
Hang on. You’re the megamillionaire? I had no idea. Do you still live in the penthouse at the Ritz?
Weekdays, yeah. Shorter commute.
I stay down by the yacht club.
Ah, so boating is your passion?
I like boating.
I’m good at it.
What kind of boat? Powerboat? Sailboat?
You obviously know a lot about the subject.
Sarcasm. What a surprise.
I have different kinds of boats for different kinds of boating. I’ve got a 36’ Cigarette – goes 200 mph. A 62’ sailboat that I live on most weekends. Some others.
Which is your favorite?
Grandma, no question. That’s her name. She’s a 26’ Hackercraft Dolphin – over 80 years old and gorgeous as anything.
Hackercraft? I’ve never heard of—
Grandma’s one of only about 15 Dolphin hulls left in the world.
Bill pulls out a wallet photo…
Yeah. I know.
Hey, Bill, this has been cool, but it’s getting late. I think we’ve made some good progress tonight. Let’s get together again tomorrow, okay?
Sure, but I’m not gonna bang you.
I think I’ll live.